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Last May we published an article about praise vs. encouragement and ways parents can encourage their kids without making them into praise junkies, so to speak. Since this topic is getting a lot of national attention we thought we’d offer more information about it, and pass along an ABC news story which includes an interview with Dr. Carol Dweck, the author of the book “Nurture Shock” who has researched the inverse power of praise.

http://abcnews.go.com/video/playerIndex?id=8487839

What is Facebook?  I don’t mean in the conventional sense—an online social network.  I mean what does it symbolize?  What is the message inherent in this medium, as Marshall McLuhan might ask?

In essence, Facebook is a virtual bazaar where you and your friends (defined however you like) shop for anything and everything, including other friends.  You can party, collide or collude 24/7 in the bright lights and big city of your own making.  On FB, freedom looks like too many choices (as Bono said of New York in a U2 song).  It’s a mass vehicle for spreading ads, ideas and images and/or commenting on them: a tabula rasa extraordinaire where you can be… provocative or petty, funny or fantastic, tempt fate or try out different voices, seek attention, solicit business, or simply hide from your parents.

When we read between the lines of Facebook, so to speak, we find ourselves gazing into a mirror of our own existence, eavesdropping on others, and telling our stories, real or imagined, ad nauseam.  Online social network users are mirrors set against other mirrors, peering through virtual peepholes at other souls in cyberspace, with a view that “bends” towards a seemingly endless number of other so called friends.  So, in this sense, we appear as a single stream of consciousness amongst other streams, perhaps connecting, perhaps not, drifting in no particular direction.

And why do we want so many friends?  Is it not to be recognized, respected and loved?  But how do our virtual “friends” love us, and how do we love them back?  Is it not possible to be massively popular, with well over 1000 friends, and yet feel slighted or ignored or insignificant?  Silence and tone are hard to interpret on our “walls” or in cyber text of any kind.  Effectively, Facebook offers a form of friendship without intimacy, a sense of connection without commitment, a feeling of popularity without physical presence, and glimpses of our existence without face-to-face interaction.

In sum, beyond the fun of it—all the social bells and visual whistles—Facebook offers the illusion of genuine dialogue.  We may think and feel that we’re having multiple conversations with our friends, but in reality we are promoting one monologue among many.  We are coding our lone voices in a virtual wilderness of voices, a commercial catalogue or mercenary maze of millions consuming digital real estate on an endless canvass of electronic space.  So, what would happen if someone shuts off the lights?  And who will manage my FB site when my lights go out?!?

To complement the “Facebook 101” Parent Seminar this month, I’ve prepared a list of “Internet Safety and Social Networking Resources” which are assembled below in different general categories of interest. Please contact me if you have any questions. –Rob Lamb

Internet Safety Resources for Parents and Students *

·         http://www.northwestschool.org/parents/internetSafety.shtml

* The information and links available in this section were compiled by Cheryl Wolotira, Educational Technology Coordinator for The Northwest School.

Internet Use & Social-Emotional Development

·         “Growing Up Online: Just how radically is the Internet transforming the experience of childhood,” FRONTLINE, January 22, 2008

http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/kidsonline/

·         “The Heart-Brain Connection: The Neuroscience of Social, Emotional, and Academic Learning” (Neuroscientist Richard Davidson presents his research on how social and emotional learning can affect the brain, 12/10/2007.) http://www.edutopia.org/richard-davidson-sel-brain-video

Social Networking in College Admission

·         “MySapce and College Admissions,” by Nicole Verardi. Published April 2006.

http://www.nacacnet.org/PUBLICATIONSRESOURCES/STEPS/ARTICLES/Pages/MySpace.aspx

·         “Report Finds Use of Social Networking Tools on the Rise in College Admission Offices,” April 29, 2009 http://www.nacacnet.org/AboutNACAC/PressRoom/2009/Pages/SocialNetworking.aspx

Video Games and Your Kids

·         “Video Games & Your Kids” is a resource for parents who are worried that their children may be spending too much time playing video games. http://www.videogamesandyourkids.com/

Internet and Computer Addiction Resources

·         Treatment for Internet and computer addiction is based on a 12-Step model pioneered by AA. The only qualification for this treatment is a desire to stop living out a pattern of addiction. This Redmond-based service provides individual and group counseling. http://www.icaservices.com/

Cybercrime

·         “The underworld of cybercrime: How well-organized online crooks put us at risk and cost us millions of dollars,” The Seattle Times, December 3, 2007.

http://www.thefreelibrary.com/The+underworld+of+cybercrime%3b+How+well-organized+online+crooks+put+us…-a0172039591

·         “Cyber crime generates more money than drug trafficking,” October 4th, 2009, by IANS
http://www.thaindian.com/newsportal/sci-tech/cyber-crime-generates-more-money-than-drug-trafficking_100255916.html#ixzz0V4jcfGiD

These days, names like Twitter, MySpace, Bebo, Plaxo, LinkedIn and, of course, the ubiquitous FB (for Facebook) are common parlance. If you’re new to this social game, there’s still time to create your online “profile” and start “poking” friends you may not have heard from in years.  It may actually help you to navigate the social waters of your child’s world.

Kids face challenges to form authentic relationships online and otherwise. Facebook and the like seem to promote acquaintances: a general wave and ‘Hi’ vs. face-to-face contact. To resist reducing communication to codes, phases or acronyms takes guts. Words also carry tone. Interpreting tone in an email or text, reading silence, or knowing what messages to keep can be tough. So, communication roles are critical and the “information” we share with others in various forms—dialogue, monologue, or catalogue—is not arbitrary, whether via text or on a virtual wall.

Should you/your child get on FB? A new study by Christine Greenhow, a Learning Technologies researcher with her doctorate from Harvard, (www.cgreenhow.org) finds that to be truly literate in a computer age students need to have skills gained from diving in and out of such social networks.

“The kinds of skills students are developing on social networking sites, says Greenhow, are the very same 21st century skills that educators have identified as important for the next generation of knowledge workers — empathy, appreciation for diversity of viewpoints, and an ability to multitask and collaborate with peers on complex projects. In fact, despite cautionary tales of employers trolling social networking sites to find inappropriate Halloween pictures or drug slang laced in discussion forums, many employers are increasingly using these sites as a way to find talent. A [national] survey found that more than half of employers now use SNSs to network with job candidates. The website CareerBuilder.com even added an application to allow employers to search Facebook for candidates. (from “Ed.”, the Harvard Graduate School of Education’s quarterly magazine, Winter 2009).

Not surprisingly, college admissions committees also find social networks of greater and greater use in their applicant review procedures… The ubiquity and utility of these sites is obvious; and, those “soft skills” and personal attributes (empathy, respecting a range of perspectives, etc.) are keys to success.

Overlake has created an alumni group on Facebook and is exploring uses of Twitter to foster additional connections. Furthermore, the impact that the classroom can have on social networking, by teaching students how to be responsible “digital citizens” online, has already been realized in some Upper School classes. In our student newspaper, an Overlake senior recently wrote: “Giving up Facebook for most teenagers would be like giving up food or oxygen.” Hyperbole? Sure. But as Greenhow says, “If we want kids to be digital citizens, we must model that behavior for them.” By working alongside them, learning their digital language and engaging them in genuine dialogue (on and offline), teachers and parents can help students become responsible social “technographers.”

Social “technographics” classifies people according to how they use social technologies. As spectators, joiners, collectors, critics and creators, we all now climb the “social technographic ladder.” (For more on this subject, check out Groundswell: Winning in a World Transformed by Social Technologies, a new book by two Forrester analysts with practical strategies on how to harness the power of social technologies like blogs, Facebook, and YouTube.) If you need help finding your way around Facebook (moving up and down this “ladder”), please feel free to contact me at rlamb@theoverlakeschool.org, or 425-868-6191, ext. 678.

(The following is an excerpt of the remarks extended to graduating seniors at the Senior Brunch on June 8 at the Newport Country Club.  This festive occasion was also attended by students’ parents and homeroom advisors who spoke eloquently about their homeroom experiences and individual advisees.)

It is my great pleasure to be here to celebrate with you the wonderful milestone that you all have reached this weekend and to congratulate  members of the Class of 2009 on their successful Overlake career!

You’ve worked very hard in the last 12 years to reach this point,

and your exceptional senior projects, the capstone of your Overlake education, demonstrate the standards of excellence this class  represents.  Not only did you do a senior project, you did amazing things for it.  For instance:

·         You climbed Mt. Rainier to raise awareness and funds for a noteworthy cause

·         You obtained your realtor’s license—in 3 weeks!

·          You developed software for Microsoft

·         You became not just a scuba diver—but  a Search and Rescue scuba diver!

·         You began to write a book and horror story—for publication

·         And, you became an expert on the airport system in Portland

And these are just a few of the project presentations I was able to attend.  You have achieved so much, collectively and individually,  before you even graduated high school, and I am in awe of your many accomplishments!

In being given the opportunity to say a few parting words to members of the class of ‘09 and their parents, I struggled with what to say that might be different from the many other messages you are likely to hear this week. 

Then, when updating the Senior Packet that I provided to you last year, I was reminded of the advice I gave you regarding preparing your college application essay:  Keep it short, personal, and sincere, and don’t run it by too many people!

I also came across the sample college essay that I shared with you.  You may remember its title:  “I am an Explorer, Detective, and an Artist.” That essay inspired me to address you as your college counselor, as a former college administrator, and as a parent.

AS YOUR COLLEGE COUNSELOR

First–from my vantage point as your college counselor, I see this weekend as marking the end of your Overlake education and your college search.  I am delighted that you had so many wonderful college offers to choose from.

At last count, you all will be heading out to 40 different colleges!

·         52 of you will be going out of state,  17 of you will remain in Washington, and 4 will be headed outside of this country to Japan, Canada and Great Britain.

·         50 of you will be going to a college where at least one other Overlaker will attend.

·         5 colleges will have 3 or more of you there as freshmen this fall.

Colleges have reported that this is the most competitive year ever! You should be especially proud of the many offers you received and the outstanding institutions that invited you to attend.

In extending offers to you, colleges recognized:

·         Your many outstanding achievements

·         Your high level of motivation     

·         And especially, your love of learning, which is very important to colleges!

In addition, they know that:

·         an Overlake education means a lot of hard work on your part

·         you have been taught by a dedicated and highly capable faculty that is willing to push you to your limits because they know what you are capable of achieving

·         Overlake students continue to succeed and do very well in college.  I know this because they often tell me how delighted they are with Overlake students when they visit us in the fall.

So, it is not surprising that they offered members of this class more than $3 million in scholarships to entice you to attend their institutions. 

AS A FORMER COLLEGE ADMINISTRATOR

 Next, as a former college administrator, I see this weekend as the beginning of an exciting new chapter in your lives.  While research indicates that student involvement in college is crucial to retention and academic success, I’m not worried about a lack of participation among members of this class.  However, many of you will be tempted to over-extend yourself, feeling like a kid in a candy store with thousands of courses to choose from and hundreds of clubs to join.

So, I caution you about taking on too much.  Pace yourself, be selective, and don’t try to burn both ends of the candle at once.   Know your limits and hold strong regarding your right to make good choices. 

AS A PARENT

And finally, from my vantage point as a parent, I’d like to share with you some advice that was shared with Whitman College’s entering class a few years ago when my son went off to college.  This quote is actually from a Whitman grad who advised new freshmen.  He said:

“Don’t separate the person or experiences you have in college from the life you expect to have after graduation.  The patterns, habits, and friendships you develop in your college years are likely in large measure to determine the kind of person you will become.”

IN CONCLUSION

And so, In conclusion, I’d like to share with you that during my first few years at Overlake I found it quite hard to say goodbye to seniors as they graduated and went off to college.  But then I discovered that many of you keep in touch, a lot, and many of you return—to say hello, to tell us of your new adventures and to share your reflections on what Overlake has meant to you.  And so, now, when I bid you farewell, I know, or at least hope, that we will hear from you and that you will have even more exciting stories and experiences to share with us about your life “after Overlake.”

If you’ve been watching TV or reading the newspaper in the last six months, you may have heard of a troubling new cell phone trend called “sexting.”

What is “sexting,” anyhow? It’s the latest form of text messaging gone badly wrong, and many young people don’t know that it can get them into a lot of legal trouble. Essentially, “sexting” is the act of sending sexually explicit messages, photos or videos via cell phone texting functions. There are major legal ramifications that could result in child pornography charges for the person sending the message and, in some cases, the person receiving the message. One response to this trend is to say that “kids will be kids” and there’s little harm in doing it, but that is not the case. It doesn’t matter if the message comes from an adult or a minor because the act itself is punishable if it involves a minor (e.g., sexual suggestions or sexually explicit pictures of minors). And, if a person is convicted of child pornography, that individual will be registered as a sex offender for 20 years! They won’t even be allowed around children, meaning no access to parks, libraries, or schools. Their life will be changed forever. 

The intent of this article is to raise awareness but not to alarm parents. There have been no reports of “sexting” at Overlake that the faculty and staff know of. For more details on this subject, please visit the following links: http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2009/03/27/earlyshow/main4896577.shtml and http://news.aol.com/article/teen-sexting/329446.

If you have comments or want ideas on how to talk to your children about this, please contact Michelle Kumar at 425-868-6191, ext. 653 or mkumar@theoverlakeschool.org.

As of May 2009, students will receive one less piece of mail from the College Board. Instead of receiving a paper score report, they will now receive all their SAT® scores online through My SAT Online Score Report, unless they actively choose to continue receiving paper score reports.

In addition to reducing the amount of paper used to print score reports, there are many benefits to using My SAT Online Score Report. It’s available for free to every student who takes the SAT and is usually accessible several days before paper score reports arrive. This means that students can see their scores and discern the meaning behind the numbers that much sooner.

My SAT Online Score Report also helps students to:

· Understand how the test is structured and scored, including the writing section and the essay

· See how they performed on each section of the test, including responses by question type and difficulty

· Compare their scores to the scores of students in their school, state, and throughout the nation

· Search for colleges, majors and careers based on their scores

· Work on improving their scores through targeted practice and links to SAT Skills Insight ^TM

· View a printable copy of their essay and see sample essays that received various scores

To make it easier on students, their mailboxes and the planet, students are encouraged to sign up for My SAT Online Score Report today. However, if any student still needs to receive a paper score report, they can select “Update My Info” on the My SAT page to change his or her preference.

(*from College Board  report, May 2009)

While not all adolescents are drinking or experimenting with drugs, national survey results indicate that communication between parents and their children is very important at an early age to help children make safe and healthy decisions. Research findings published in 2008 by the Washington State Coalition to Reduce Underage Drinking in its Healthy Youth Survey show that as early as the sixth grade 4% of students reported having had a drink in the past month. These numbers increase to 16% for eighth graders, 32% for tenth graders and 41% twelfth graders. Another group of interesting statistics addresses the number of youth who report drinking and driving, or riding with a driver who had been drinking. Tenth graders reported that 6% had driven while drinking and 24% had ridden in a car with someone who had been drinking, whereas the number of seniors asked the same question reported 12% had been drinking and 23% had ridden in a car with someone who had been drinking. This information is particularly troublesome when you account for the high accident and fatality rates for teenage drivers.

So, on April 28, in an effort to foster open discussion on a topic that often presents challenges to candid communication, the Counseling and Advising Department, in collaboration with the Dean of Students and Director of Diversity, hosted an evening of dialogue between parents and students about substance use/abuse issues. Families were grouped separately in order to encourage greater openness. During the evening the groups were given nine prompts to facilitate conversations that encouraged both parents and students to express their values, feelings, and beliefs about substance use/abuse. Both parents and students listened, shared thoughts and respected their diverse viewpoints.  Sample prompts used were:

• Student Prompt: You come home a little late for curfew for the first time, and you notice that your parents are still awake. In the morning they are being awkward, and you suspect that they suspect something of you. What should your parents do?
• Parent Prompt: Your child comes home late for the first time, and you suspect or are worried that your child may be involved with drugs and/or alcohol. How do you handle it?

There was a greater sense of awareness and understanding by all as the evening ended. In addition to the discussion, parents were provided with materials that they could read and use at home for discussion with their own family members. To obtain materials from this event and to address any related concerns or questions you might have about it, please contact Carolyn Barge (ext. 696) or Rob Lamb (ext. 678) in the Counseling Office.

Does praising children for all the positive things they do produce real self-confidence and a desire to learn? Perhaps. But new research suggests that such constant approval might lead to a generation of “praise junkies.”  While there is nothing wrong with focusing on positive behavior, general praises tend to emphasize achievement in a vague, evaluative way (e.g. “Good Job!” or “I’m proud of you!”). General praising also tends to be more subjective. Encouragement, on the other hand, not only allows us to remain positive, but it focuses on specific efforts rather than only achievements. So, instead of just saying “What a creative story!” the following could be used to detail efforts and encourage: “I really liked how you used adjectives to describe the main character in your story. What do you like about it?” This helps validate a child’s efforts without placing inordinate judgment on them. Below you’ll find examples of different remarks of praise versus remarks of encouragement, as well as ten expressions that can be used to encourage within an expended article on this subject by expert Kris Richards.

“Praise vs. Encouragement” by Rudolf Dreikurs (et al.)

(http://www.noogenesis.com/malama/encouragement.html)

You are the best student I ever had.  Vs. You are a fine student. Any teacher will appreciate and enjoy you.

I am so proud of you. Vs. You seem to really enjoy learning. 

You have the highest score in the class on this exam. Vs. You did very well on this exam.

I’m so proud of your artwork. Vs. It is nice to see that you enjoy art. 

Are We Creating Approval Junkies? By Kris Richards, M.S., Counselor, Lakewood Elementary School, and PSAS Board Member

Recently there has been a great deal of emphasis on using praise to help kids gain self-esteem and promote positive behavior.  While praise does appear to work at first, the long-range effects of using this method to motivate children can be frightening.  Children are becoming approval junkies.  Their sense of worth becomes dependent on the opinions of others, and they are unable to determine whether they are pleased with something they have done unless someone else notices it or praises it.  For example, children may complete a drawing and ask an adult, “Is this good?”  They do not develop their own judgments, and as they become older, this dependency increases.  They feel anxious and uncertain when they don’t receive outside approval or validation, leading to teenagers and adults with low self-esteem.

What’s wrong using praise to focus on the positive?  Praise typically focuses on achievement (e.g., “Great job!  You got an A!”)  The child may fear that if he/she is unable to continue achieving, parental approval (and perhaps love) will be withdrawn.  Also, too often the words we use when praising a child are vague and nonspecific.  Telling a child “Good job!” or “Wonderful!” provides no specific feedback about what a child has done.  The child may feel pressured to perform the same way again, even though he or she might not understand what that “same way” is.

So how do we remain positive with our children without relying on praise?  Use encouragement!  The lasting effects of using encouragement with children are healthier self-esteem and improved self-confidence.  Encouragement helps a child to develop good judgment skills.  Instead of saying, “That’s a great drawing!”, say something like “Tell me about your drawing.  What do you like about it?”  Furthermore, encouragement focuses on effort rather than achievement.  You don’t have to wait for the finished product, such as a good grade or a winning race, to acknowledge progress.  You can express how much he or she has accomplished since the last time the task was attempted, or ask how the child thinks he or she is doing, e.g., “You have really been working,” or, “You’ve put a lot of effort into that and it looks like it is getting easier for you.”

Changing from using praise to using encouragement is difficult and may seem impossible at times.  You may feel frustrated as you hear yourself repeatedly saying the words, “Good job!”  It’s a hard habit to break.  When trying to change, you might want to place “Ten Phrases That Encourage” (below) in a prominent place in your house, such as on the refrigerator, or follow the suggestions of Jane Nelsen, author of Positive Discipline.  She recommends asking yourself the following questions before responding to your child:

·         Am I inspiring self-evaluation or dependence on the evaluation of others?

·         Am I being respectful or patronizing?

·         Am I seeing the child’s point of view or only my own?

·         Would I make this comment to a friend?

Refraining from attempting to modify your child’s behavior with praise may be very difficult initially, but the results are certainly worth the effort.  By encouraging your child to feel proud of his or her accomplishments, he or she can develop a sense of pride and healthy self-esteem.  In this way, children learn respect for themselves and others and not need to be constantly “bribed” with praise from adults.

To find out more about using encouragement effectively, read the newly revised Positive Discipline, by Jane Nelsen, Punished by Rewards, by Alphie Kohn, and The Skill of Encouragement, by Don Dinkmeyer and Lewis E. Leconcy.

Ten Phrases That Encourage

1.     You really worked hard on that.

2.     I can tell you’re pleased with that.

3.     Thanks. I really appreciate that because it makes my job much easier.

4.     Your idea was really a helpful one.  How did you think of that?

5.     Looks like you spent a lot of time thinking that through.

6.     You’ll figure it out.

7.     You may not feel you reached your goal, but look how far you’ve come.

8.     It looks like you enjoyed that.

9.     How do you feel about it?

10.   Since you’re not satisfied, what do you think you can do so you’ll feel happier with it?

Addressing a main worry in parents’ lives, this year’s second Parent Education Seminar featured two experts on drug and alcohol prevention strategies for parents.

      Paul Weatherly and Frank Couch covered critical points about teen drug use and gave parents practical suggestions to follow with their children during the Nov. 24 seminar. Weatherly is the Alcohol and Drug Counseling Program Director of Bellevue Community College’s Health Sciences, Education and Wellness Institute; Couch is Treatment Director with Lakeside-Milam Recovery Center in Eastlake, Seattle. Among their insights and tips were these 10 key points:

1.  Most teens try drugs because they are curious or bored. Positive role models, structured schedules and healthy activities will encourage better decision making in the long run.

2.  Given their stage of neural development in which the prefrontal cortex (which measures decisions and controls judgment) has not fully grown, moderation is an abstract concept to most teens, so parents shouldn’t expect them to regulate themselves when it comes to drug use.

3.  For example, a common misperception among teens is that experimenting or limited drug use may be okay, if you don’t go over the deep end.

4.  More teens abuse prescription drugs than any illicit drug except marijuana. In 2006, over 2.1 million teens ages 12 to 17 reported abusing prescription drugs.

5.   Significant changes in a teen’s daily habits or routine, behavior patterns, speech, attitude and clothing could be signs of drug use. Look for distinct shifts in language, social groups and physical appearance.

6.  Learn the signs of abuse: slurred speech, staggering walk, sweating, nausea, vomiting, numb extremities, dilated pupils, drowsiness and dizziness.

7.  Ask your children about their social lives and any changes in disposition you may have noticed in them. They may gripe and complain when you do it, but they also feel cheated when you don’t.

8.  Talk to your teens about the risks, and be specific. Tell them that taking prescription or over-the-counter (OTC)drugs without a doctor’s approval and supervision can be a dangerous—even deadly—decision. Dispel the myth that these drugs are less harmful than street drugs because they are available through a doctor or at the local drug store.

9.   Inventory your own home and other homes to which your teen has access. Lock up medications or put them in a safe place where your kids or their friends can’t find them. Move your OTC medications to a safe place as well. Note the levels in each bottle, just as you do for alcohol. Do the same at relatives’ homes, especially older relatives, who often take painkillers and may be less likely to notice a few pills missing.

10. Coordinate with the parents of your teen’s friends to make sure access to prescription and OTC drugs is restricted in their homes, as well.

      A few points above are also offered by “Parents: The Anti-Drug,” an extensive and very helpful resource at www.theantidrug.com. For more information on this event, visit our blog, Family Connection and the Counseling & Advising Center on campus.  Please contact Overlake’s School Counselors, Rob Lamb (ext. 678) and Carolyn Barge (ext. 696), with questions about this event or related issues.